The first week in February a senior editor from THE HUFFINGTON POST contacted me. The “Women” section would run a series for Valentine’s Day, “What I Know About Being Single Now That I’m In My 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s.” The editor was selecting one writer for each age category and I was very happy to hear she’d selected me for 50s.
I thought about the predictable things I could state.
1. I’m less critical of my body.
2. I’m finally confident in my ability to choose the right partner.
3. I’m happy being single.
4. Friends are just as much fun as a man.
5. I know what I’m looking for now more than ever.
6. I’m in no hurry. The biological clock has quit ticking.
Blah, blah, blah—BO-RING (and trite).
I try my best to tilt away from banal and that’s gotten me into trouble on both the online dating blog and THE HUFFINGTON POST. Seems nothing “stokes people’s hate fire” more than opinions that go against the grain. If you need proof, look at the Comments section of some of my more provocative pieces. This essay, though, didn’t seem to piss people off as much as others had. The comments were fairly mild in both number and tone. I always gird my loins when I publish a piece and it seemed this time the girding was unnecessary.
Click here to read the post.
Sure, I had one comment on Huffpost from a man named “Windy Daze” who tried to rough me up. I don’t remember exactly what it said because it was “flagged as offensive” almost immediately and removed, but I think it went something like this:
“As a happily married man of more than 50 years I will tell you that relationships ARE hard work. I work hard every single day and NEVER take my wife for granted as you so ignorantly said. You have a lot to learn, MISS ROBINSON. Who do you think you are? You know nothing!”
I respond to every comment on my blog but I pick and choose on THE HUFFINGTON POST. I usually thank some who’ve left kind comments but I also go right back at some of the more insulting ones.
I know, I know. I should simply ignore those rude commenters since the attention fires them up and they keep coming back for more. But that’s conventional wisdom and I don’t buy it. What I’ve found is, if one person is bold enough to leave an offensive reply it can quickly become a feeding frenzy of cyber-courage when the more tentatively acerbic see blood in the water. For every one person willing to post something detestable there are many others who would like to say something inflammatory but lack the guts—until someone else crosses the line ahead of them.
I don’t have a problem with those who disagree with me. After all, my writing simply reflects my opinion. What annoys me, though, is when it gets personal or the reader makes assumptions based on their circumstances—as was the case with “Windy Daze.” I replied to his comment but since his was removed, my response was, too.
Here’s what I said:
“That might be your reality, but it wasn’t mine, mister. And where did I say I took my husband for granted? Go back and read the essay again, Windy Daze, and next time try a thorough read before waxing poetic in the Comments section. I get the feeling you want to put me in my place. Never gonna happen, you daffy ole bag of windy.”
Part of me felt a little sorry for the gusty one. I can’t imagine conjuring up CAPS rage unless something about the piece hit home. Maybe what I wrote caused our intrepid husband to have a fleeting thought that the strife of his marriage was not saintly devotion, but “miles in manure.” Nonetheless, the rest of the comments were mostly positive, and even when not they weren’t off-putting.
Next I went to THE HUFFINGTON POST Facebook page since they posted a link to the article and the first comment was this:
I was confused. Was “rat copulation” a new expression I’d never heard before? I went to Urban Dictionary, searched and found nothing. Then I searched “rat fuck” to see if I could get a definition of what Andrew Soto meant. Here’s what I found:
Uh, don’t think that’s a match.
Next:
Nope, I don’t think that applies, either.
Other readers took Andrew Soto to task so I didn’t ask for clarification. One questioned when his article would be published; another called him a “douche.” Although one powerhouse wordsmith wrote “big whoop” about an article in THE HUFFINGTON POST since they don’t usually pay and then qualified his comment by letting everyone know he’s a “published author and a well-paid editor.”
Um, yeah, OK.
I guess I’ll never know what Andrew meant by rat copulation but I don’t think it was complimentary. I have my opinion as to why Andrew Soto left that comment. I think Andrew feels insignificant and for one brief moment as his fingers typed away he got a rush, maybe even a boner. He felt more substantial hopped up on cyber-courage. Or, maybe I’m getting too analytical and he’s just a douche.
BUT, I am 100% certain he would never have the balls to say it to my face.
Whatever the reason, The Andrews or Windy Dazes of the virtual world will continue to spew their venom—especially when nobody calls them out. I know I will continue to do so and it’s my hope that some of you will do the same. The next time you read a defamatory or overtly asinine comment following an article you’ve enjoyed, I hope you’ll let the commenter know how you feel. I’ve found it usually shuts them up along with their less ballsy cohorts skulking through the comments trying to muster the nerve to be nasty. I have the luxury of blocking idiots from my blog and Facebook page and I blocked three from www.1yearofonlinedatingat50.com and none, yet, from this website. I don’t have that option when another site publishes my work. You’ll be doing a service to all writers who provide free entertainment. I don’t think anyone penning an opinion piece expects all to agree, but what’s wrong with a little civility when being contrary or even the radical move of simply clicking away to something more to your liking? Cyber-courage is an epidemic and I think it’s time we develop a vaccine.
“When a bully is held accountable for his actions, his future actions will change. Bad behavior only continues for those who allow it.” Gary Hopkins
Maureen says
Once again Melani, a beautiful touching article. I more than enjoy your style of writing.
We must simply live each day without any expectations.
I am so looking forward to your next adventure.
Thanks,
Maureen
Melani says
No, thank you, Maureen! I’m glad you enjoyed the Huffpost piece (I think that’s the article you’re writing about). I’m looking forward to my next adventure, too. Thanks, again.
magrooder says
Sorry I missed the Huff Post post when it appeared. (Great picture there, by the way.) I have to confess that V Day is one of my least favorite holidays, along with New Year’s Eve and “Administrative Professionals Day.”
The nasty online comments seems to be to an adult version of cyber-bullying. It is amazing to me how “courageous” people can be when cloaked in anonymity. (Are there any sentences in which you can use the word, cloak, without also using the word, anonymity?)
Wow. I’m using a lot of quotes and parentheses, aren’t I? That sentence should probably be in parentheses. Anyway, good to have you back posting. I was beginning to wonder if you enjoyed the spa day so much it became a daily activity.
Melani says
Hi Magrooder, I think you’ve answered your own question with the perfect blending of “cloaked” and “anonymity” in the same sentence. See, I like quotation marks, too! I’m a huge fan of Valentine’s Day even when single. I love walking around the city watching people (usually men) scramble for a last minute card or flowers. I love coming into my building to see the array of bouquets lined up at the front desk, waiting for the recipient to come home to gather them up. I know many people think it’s a retail-created, commercialized mess of a holiday. I just think a day that’s all about love can’t be wrong no matter who’s profiting. I agree about the nasty online quotes. It is a form of cyber-bullying and Huffpost used to be the worst site for this sort of behavior. They’re working to change the tone and I think that’s a good thing. I know so many brilliant writers who refuse to submit their work because of the previously unregulated comments section. I have thick skin but I do pause before submitting stuff and wonder how many ugly comments the piece will generate. I always enjoy your comments and, no, I’m not on a permanent spa day. I post once a month but I’m a little late this time. I’ve been doing lots of deadline driven writing so apologies for the delay!
Dana says
Hey Melani…Dana in Tulsa…as usual you are right on the mark. Maybe Mrs. Windydaze would have a different opinion of the marriage and all the “work” it requires…men tend to get “comfortable” in marriages and it comes off as righteous….yack! I think it is an insecurity thing and they hide behind a wife to distract themselves from their own inner dialogue. Very pathetic! BTW is there an award of some sort for enduring 50 years of marriage? Big woop!
Melani says
Hello, Dana! Love your comment, as usual. I agree about Windy’s inner dialog. His comment was so filled with anger and I have no doubt he’s got lots of that buried under his “Dudley Do-Right” persona. I can’t imagine anything worse than staying in a marriage for any length of time (especially 50 years), when it’s hard work. That’s a club I’m happy NOT to belong to. Thank you for the comment, Dana!
Kim says
Hee hee….I wonder if Mr. Soto the rat expert knows about the spin-off article aimed at him. Maybe a re-post of this under his comment? I also wonder if he’s had any articles published on Huffington Post. Still waiting….
Melani says
I don’t know if Andrew the Rat Boy will ever know about this piece, Kim. I did put his full name in the Keywords search so if he googles himself it will probably show up. I hope so–smug little piss-ant.
Anna says
Oh the courage the comes with the stroke of a key! Good for you for taking these mean people to task! I don’t like mean people…
I enjoy your articles, probably because I relate so much to your life experiences of being single and over 50. However after having breast cancer last year, I’ve come to appreciate my life even more. I didn’t mind being single before, I appreciate every day now and don’t have time for mean people.
Keep up the good work, I enjoy it! 🙂
Melani says
I know, Anna. Such bravery while hiding behind their computer. They would never say it to the writer’s face, though. I’m sorry about the breast cancer but it sounds like you’ve made the best of an awful situation. I so admire your outlook on life. I’m happy you’re enjoying the writing and thank you for the great comment!
Anna says
Having been on dating sites I’ve dealt with my share of ‘brave’ typists! Always happy to pass on a deserved compliment… or jab a bully if need be!
Melani says
You’re so right, Anna. Some of the best examples of cyber-bravado happened when I was online dating. Keep jabbing, sister!
Lindsay says
Melani, I completely agree that people who post nasty comments would never have the nerve to say it to your face. That is what bothers me so much about these people! They get a rise out of being mean on the internet and there are no consequences for their actions. I usually respond to them with a message such as, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything. In other words, Shut Up!” I saw your post & I thought it was great as usual. Keep doing what your doing.
Best wishes,
Lindsay
Melani says
Thank you, Lindsay. I’m happy to hear you hold them accountable. These are warped people who get a thrill from being disgusting and vile. I had one follower on the dating blog who crossed the line multiple times (awful comments about my late husband) and I actually had her investigated by a cyber security firm. Imagine her surprise when I sent her an email letting her know I knew her real name and where she lived (this complete stranger). She was never heard from again. These people have such insignificant lives that they have to create excitement by lashing out at strangers. Sick and twisted behind a keyboard but when their identity is unmasked, they run away.
tj in MA says
More good stuff Melanie. I enjoyed reading both this and your Huffington piece.
“Ole bag of windy…” that’s hilarious!
“No. They’re. Not.” and “Bull to the shit.” I agree 1,000%.
Don’t give up on love, and keep on writing!
Melani says
Glad you enjoyed both pieces, tj. I will follow your suggestion. Love and writing are two of my favorite options. Thank you so much for the comment!
Irina says
Melani, first of all, this piece generated such a hearty belly laugh, that I was, actually, grateful to mister Rat Boy and mister Windy, for making you comment on their senseless rants.
Secondly, not so long time ago, I myself was a victim of cyber- bullying by a “brave” cohort of male bloggers, who didn’t like my comment about them being good candidates of dying alone and miserable. I made an error of making a comment under my HF nick, which was connected to my Facebook account. Within minutes, those anonymous bitter creatures found my real name, place of work, photos, name of my ex, etc. You should have read their comments! Everything you have heard would pale in comparison. When I suggested they all come out in the open, and post their name, pictures, and ages, they said “no way, no how”, which I fully expected.
I had to strengthen some of the privacy settings of my account since then, but I don’t expect those bulllies to stop any time soon. After all, it is so convenient to sit behind computer screen and exude poison. Those rats would not stand a chance …:-)
Keep writing Melani – you are brilliant and funny! 🙂
With respect,
Irina
Melani says
Oh, no, Irina, that sounds like a nightmare. What a bunch of assholes! If I’m understanding the situation correctly, I think what happened is you responded to their nasty comments on Huffpost and they found your nickname connected to FB and began harassing you. Is that correct? What a terrible invasion of your privacy, Irina. I’m so sorry that happened. I’m glad my post made you laugh, though!
Helen Vann says
As usual, Melani, I appreciate your clear writing, thoughtful ideas–and apropos humor. This post is also a great reminder of that old adage, “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.”
~Thanks for continuing to share with us.
Melani says
Thank you, Helen. LOVE the adage you shared. Now I’m going to Google to see if I can identify who said it!
Helen Vann says
You’re welcome, Melanie. I suppose it is only fair for a writer to get credit for his/her work. I found Elbert Hubbard, though one post suggests Aristotle sometimes gets the credit. Glad to hear you LOVE the quote. So do I. 🙂
Kern L says
Hi Melanie – I loved your HP article. It took some time for my 3rd-world internet connection to reach a speed that I could actually read it, but persistence does pay off and this morning it was visible to me. You have a way of baring your thoughts and feelings that rings true and clear – not blurred by the layers that most of us tend to place between ourselves and the world. I really appreciate this clarity and candor, and enjoy the wit that wraps it all up into such an attractive package. Life is wonderful at any age and there is a moment in which we get to experience the love and beauty that surrounds us. My 50+ years of learning has taught me to embrace and live fully in that moment. It is nice that you either squelch or ignore the ridiculous hecklers, thank you for continuing to share. I appreciate the connection and the day is brighter when I see a new post from you. Kern
Melani says
Hello, Kern! Glad you were finally able to read the HP article. Thank you for your kind evaluation, too. I especially like your observation, “not blurred by the layers that most of us tend to place between ourselves and the world.” My direct nature (bluntness) has been unnerving for many in my life so it’s wonderful to have that aspect of my writing viewed in a positive light. Thank you, again, Kern, for you ever-positive comments.